Thirteen Funny Quotes From The Media1. “I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?”
-quiz show contestant when asked for the Pope’s religion.2. “If it weren’t for electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”
-George Gobel, television personality.

3. “An end is in sight to the severe weather shortage.”
-Ian Macaskill, BBC weather

4. “Tuesday Night at the Movies will be seen on Saturday this week instead of Monday.”
-unidentified television announcer.

5. “Red squirrels…you don’t see many of them since they became extinct.”
-Michael Aspel on British Radio 2

6. “The telephone company is urging people not to use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary, in order to keep the lines open for emergency calls. We’ll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller number 95.”
-unidentified radio disc jockey after the 1990 Los Angeles earthquake.

7. “Retraction: The ‘Greek Special’ is a huge, 18-inch pizza and not a huge, 18-inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused.”
-correction in The Daily Californian

8. “We will now hear, ‘Deck Your Balls with Halls of Helly’…’Deck Your Bells with Balls of Holly’…er…a Christmas selection.”
-BBC radio announcer

9. “The crime bill passed by the senate would reinstate the federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector.”
-Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

10. “As a prize-a beautiful riding mower with optional ass scratcher!”
-announcer on television who meant to say “grass catcher”

11. “Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil…”
-recipie given on television’s The French Chef

12. “Shergar.”
-contestant on the television quiz show, The Weakest Link, when asked which famous racehorse’s name was the word “murder” spelled backwards

13. “The farmers in Annapolis Valley are pleased to announce that this year there will be an abundance of apples. This is particularly good news because most of the farmers haven’t had a good crap in years.”
-unidentified Maryland television news broadcaster

From 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. by Steven D. Price


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