That, when the need arises, there is always someone you can turn to and say, “I need you to check out my nipples. Is this how they always look?”
The Unbearable Restlessness Of Being
Today is my birthday (YAY!), and to celebrate I went to North Carolina last weekend to see my family.
My brother and his wife were there, and as a couple who have been married a little over a year they were discussing all the various adjustments they have been going through as newlyweds. Apparently sleep has been kind of an issue for them, as one of them goes to sleep and stays in the same position all night, and one of them moves around in their sleep. A Lot.
My brother described it in the following way:
“Are you familiar with Restless Leg Syndrome?” he asked us.
We were.
“Well, we’ve decided that [my sister-in-law] has Restless Existence Syndrome.”
Well That’s Not Something You Hear Every Day
Last weekend my husband and I went to visit my brother and sister-in-law as part of the official start of our summer vacation. They both have their own laptops, but apparently my brother insists on keeping his in its virginal, pristine condition by refusing to allow anyone to download anything onto it from the Internet. So anytime this need appears, my sister-in-law’s computer is pressed into service.
It’s a good thing they’d told me about this on an earlier visit. Because otherwise, the conversation I overheard between them would’ve been even more disconcerting than it already was:
My sister-in-law: “So, where’s ‘The Whore’?”
My brother (looking around, completely unconcerned): “Um, I think she’s in the bedroom.”
My Back Is Still A Little Sore, But The Nerdiness? Is Alive And Well
As I believe I’ve mentioned before, I frequently find myself having hot, sweaty, lustful thoughts about cleaning products. The most recent object of my obsession has been this, the Sonic Scrubber.
Words truly cannot describe the joy I felt in my heart when I found this at my local Kroger and was able to purchase one of my very own. And then, for MANY days afterwards, the second my husband got home from work he would be accosted with up-to-the-minute reports of my progress in The Battle Against Soap Scum.
Meanwhile the rest of the world has been getting all caught up in that new book and movie called “The Secret”, which is all about learning how to understand and apply the Law Of Attraction to the various circumstances of your life. I was actually introduced to this about 5 years ago, but the recent press on this subject has made me think about what kind of changes or additions I’d like to make to my life.
So I took a little inventory of how things have been going, and then I had myself a little talk with the Universe.
Did I address such issues as money? Career? Relationships?
Nope.
“Universe,” I said, “I could sure use a bigger brush head for my Sonic Scrubber so that I could clean more of my shower in less time.”
And then, the next time I went to Kroger, what to my wondering eyes did appear?
Seriously? There might have been some drool.
But wait-the Universe wasn’t finished yet. Because a few days after that I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and I found THIS:
I couldn’t wait to get home and show this to my husband.
His response: “So, are you gonna take the other one back now?”
…
WHAT?! W-hh-yy would I ever do that?
“No,” I said, trying patiently to explain. “Because now? I have 8! Interchangeable! Heads!”
And people? The fact that all he did was sigh slightly and walk quietly away, leaving me to my passionate love affair with cleaning? That. Is love.
Mr. Fix-It
My husband is really, really good at fixing things. It is rare that we have to call in the help of a professional, but every so often we do. Like in the following situation.
Me: I can’t wait to get this mole removed.
My husband: I can take care of that for you.
Me: Thanks, but I think I’m gonna leave this to a trained professional (aka, “my dermatologist”).
My husband: Oh, what, like you think she took a class in “Removing Funny Things From People’s Bodies”?
Me: Yeah, actually I do. LOTS, as a matter of fact.
The Best Thing I Heard This Weekend
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
This past weekend I went up to North Carolina to visit my family. I spent a night with my brother and sister-in-law who just got married last summer and are settling into their own domestic routine.
They talked about how they don’t really get out so much anymore, now that they’re married, and I said that the same thing had happened to me and my husband too. Then my sister-in-law said to my brother, “Ooh, tell Jenny what you got last weekend.”
“Oh yeah!” said my brother, brightening.
I looked at my brother expectantly, excited to hear what had gotten the two of them so excited.
“I got a new pair of nasal hair trimmers” my brother exclaimed. “It was the best Saturday night ever!”
You Know It’s Going To Be A Long Day
when, as you are sending your husband off to work in the morning and you casually mention that you will see him in a few hours for your lunch date, he stops, really looks at you, and then is forced to resort to sign language in order to convey the message of, “OK, yeah, but first you really might want to do something about your GINORMOUSLY pouffy-assed hair.”
Love, Honor, Behave
A couple of years ago my in-laws bought a home up in the mountains of North Carolina. They have slowly been re-doing it, but haven’t yet gotten to the upstairs bathroom, where the previous owners made the unfortunate choice to paper the walls entirely in sheet music from old show tunes.
I guess it does give you something to look at while you’re in there, but mostly it’s just kinda weird.
This week when we were up there for Thanksgiving, my husband drew my attention to a particular title to which he wanted me to pay special attention:
To which I replied, “Not once in our wedding ceremony did I ever utter the word ‘obey’ dude! And I have the video graphic evidence to prove it.”
Secrets
A couple of days ago my husband and I were sitting on the couch catching up on this week’s episode of NCIS. The Director of NCIS, played by Lauren Holly, was talking to Special Agent Gibbs, played by Mark Harmon, about a case they were working on involving a man who was engaged to multiple women at the same time. She was talking about how even if you are in a relationship with someone, you may not really know them. They might be keeping secrets from you.
“I don’t have any secrets from you,” I told my husband.
“I know!” he replied. Due to some quirk in my own personal makeup, I can neither lie nor keep secrets. It’s like any kind of secret information is a foreign body in my system, and I must vomit it up and out as soon as possible in order to keep my system running smoothly.
“What about you?” I asked him. “Do you have any secrets?”
“Nope,” he said, and we went back to watching the show.
In the next scene Dr. “Ducky” Mallard is talking to Agent Gibbs about the corpse he is examining. “I got a hunch and I decided to trim his (the corpse’s) nose hair,” said Dr. Mallard.
At this my husband pauses the show (all hail the awesomeness of TIVO!), leaps up off the couch, and says, “Oh yeah, I do have a secret from you.”*
Oh, dear sweet Lord In Heaven, I thought to myself, completely panicked. What the hell kind of secret does “nose hair” remind you of?!
“Um, that’s okay, dude,” I said, backing away from him. “You can just go ahead and keep that particular secret to yourself.”
*It turned out all right, though. For some reason I still don’t completely understand, that just reminded him that he’d brought me back a present from Mexico.
Chain Reaction
Have you ever had one of those days where you have clearly mapped out everything you need to do that day, but Thing #2 depends on Thing #1, and Thing #3 depends on Thing #2, and everything is woven together in an interlocking chain of Stuff That Is Not Getting Done because you can not, for the life of you, figure out how to complete Thing #1? Well the other day was like that for me.
Normally this is entirely my fault, since Thing #1 is usually something like, “Put on clothes.” (Dammit, you mean there’s no naked grocery shopping today? Well, forget it. There’s no point in even showing up for this day then!) But this day was a bit trickier, because Thing #1 was, “Make The Vacuum Cleaner Not Smell Like Poo”. [Read more…] about Chain Reaction
