Dear Doctors, please take note of the following items:
-please do not walk into the exam room telegraphing the message of, “I’m right, and you’re wrong, because I am the doctor. Especially if we’re a new patient, and you’ve never seen us before.
-please understand that if we tell you that, on a scale of 1-10 our pain level is a 15, or a 20, WE NEED YOU TO GIVE US SOME RELIEF! RIGHT! NOW! Then we can chat.
-and on that note, when we do come to you in excruciating pain, please do not thrown useless information at us so as to convince us of your so-called brilliance. We don’t give a rat’s ass about how good you think you are. All we care about is, HOW SOON CAN YOU RELIEVE THIS PAIN?!
-please know that we have told the tale of our medical history approximately 87,000,000 times, and it seems to get longer every time. Plus it is a constant reminder to us of all that we have to live with, and all that we have lost. So we’re not being difficult if we don’t tell it “exactly right.” We’re sad.
-we are so, so, SO tired.
-we really are doing the very best that we can
-I don’t care how many degrees you have or how much research you might have done; the truth is that you have no idea what we actually go through every single day. Not many people are strong enough to bear what we have to bear every single day of our lives.
-we are in pain Every. Single. Day. The fact that we don’t rip off our clothes, tear out our hair, and go running down the street naked and screaming is a freaking miracle.
-we have been dealing with this shit for a l-o-n-g time. WE KNOW WHAT TO DO. We are the experts on our bodies, NOT YOU. So please listen to us and give us the respect that we deserve.
-please do not ask us what we have been doing to manage our symptoms and then disapprove of or disregard everything we say. Because we will cut you. Deep.
-when we talk to you as a patient and tell you intimate details about our health, we are trusting you. Do not betray this trust and turn this information into a weapon that you use against us to tell us how “bad” we are and how we are doing everything wrong.
-DO NOT TALK TO US ABOUT THE FOLLOWING ITEMS: going gluten free, taking vitamins and/or natural supplements, eating only organic foods, “natural” lifestyles, getting off of our medications, the latest “miracle cure” that you’ve recently just learned about and are now selling to your patients just like a car salesman, desperately hoping to make some commissions, etc.
-do not, DO NOT, under any circumstances whatsoever, especially if you have only known us for a total of seven minutes, and ESPECIALLY if you are not our primary doctor, but just the person who could work us in on an emergency basis, and whom we will never see again, say the following words: “My advice to you is to stop taking so many medications for all those different conditions, and to just figure out a way to ‘beat them one by one’.” Or if you do, then just go ahead and expect to be beaten to death with your stupid little doctor stool. BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY DESERVE IT!
-be wary of uttering the words, “support hose” to any woman under the age of 65.
-Also: if you only want to be around healthy people, THEN STOP BEING A FUCKING DOCTOR!
–You may be “very excited” about our case. You may think that we are “very interesting”. That’s cool for you, but for us? All we hear is “we don’t really know what the hell we’re doing, but won’t it be fun to find out?!” Um, NO!
-If have just given the medical assistant a detailed novella regarding the sinus and ear pain we are currently experiencing, do not enter the examination room and start off by asking us how many weeks pregnant we are.
-If we have already dealt with one round of the Hostile Alien Bacteria of a dire intestinal bacterial infection and then come in complaining about THE EXACT SAME SYMPTOMS, do not tell us that it is probably just our period. Because trust us, IT ISN’T.
-And most especially, it we come in complaining about what we are pretty damn sure by this time is the third round of this particular illness, DO NOT project your weight stuff onto us and suggest that this is a good thing for us in that we can probably use it to “take off a few pounds”. Because, ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE US CRY?
-At the moment when we are strapped into an IV/high on medication/completely vulnerable in the stirrups/trapped by our connection to a tiny camera located on the inside of our body, etc., that is NOT the moment to announce to us that, “Hey, this is [so-and-so], and she is here today to learn how to do this procedure.” Seriously-don’t
-If you are performing a procedure on a specific body part that you do not personally own, and we begin to writhe in pain, and then you announce in the bored, disinterested voice of someone who has performed this procedure a million times and who doesn’t really see patients as individuals anymore that “you may begin to experience some cramping”, then I’m pretty sure that we are protected by law if we jump up off of the table and strangle you with your own catheter.
-Please believe us when we tell you that the progression of our illness and/or our recovery is not linear. And often there is no visible cause and effect between what happens in our life and the symptoms we do (or do not) experience. Trust us when we tell you that if we ever do determine a consistent, repeatable pattern, there will be a party. And you will be invited. We promise-if that ever happens, you will know.
-As we see you many, many times a month, it is really not necessary for you to mention our weight at Every. Single. Appointment. Dude-WE KNOW. And the fact that we haven’t magically made it down to our “ideal weight” (whatever the hell that means) does not mean that we are staying fat on purpose. We are not rebelling against you. We are not lazy slobs with no willpower who know better, but are just not doing what we’re supposed to be doing. It’s just that we kind of have a lot on our plate right now. It’s on our list, and we will get to it eventually. Just not right now.
-Please do not blame us if your treatment doesn’t work, or treat us as if we must have done something wrong to cause this. Sometimes things work for us, and sometimes things don’t. This means that the phrase, “So-what happened?” is NOT an appropriate response to this situation.
-DO NOT tell a girl who has come to you for help with a dermatological problem that you don’t know of anything that can help with her “alligator skin”.
-Never tell a fibromyalgia patient that they don’t have to worry because “this procedure won’t hurt”. Trust us. It will.
-At 4:00 am in the ER, when I am in so much pain that I’m being given medication that’s “a little stronger than morphine”, “cheerful banter” about how much you hate your wife is neither helpful nor funny.
-When we are napping in bed, waiting for our surgery, clearly hooked up to a CPAP machine, we do not need you to leave us a bunch of helpful pamphlets on sleep apnea. I THINK WE’VE GOT THAT ONE COVERED.
-Also: please do not scare us by coming into our room and asking leading questions about how you suspect we might have diabetes, without actually coming out and saying that you suspect we’ve got diabetes, especially since, by your own account, my test results are probably just being caused by the impact my illness is having on my poor body.
-When things are finally, FINALLY stabilizing, and the meds are working, THAT IS NOT THE TIME TO SAY, “You know, we really need to see about getting you off of some of these medications.”
-And while we’re on that note, unless you have a specific and immediate alternative to offer us right now, then you are NOT allowed to tell us that we are taking too many medications, and that we need to find a way to get off of them.
-Also: if the only help you can give us right now is yet another prescription for yet another medicine, do not hand it to us but then try to guilt/scare us into not using it. As in, “Oh, here’s some help-but don’t use the help. Because using it is bad. And so are if you use it.”
