Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Armed And Dangerous

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Today I went out to lunch with some friends, and we had the following conversation while deciding who was going to drive.

Friend 1 (to Friend 2): “So are we letting you drive?”

Friend 2: “Well I’m not riding in your car. I don’t want to accidentally sit on a dagger!”

Me: (doing a double-take, not quite sure I heard her correctly.)

Friend 1: “True. I do have about 3 in the backseat.”

Me: “Um, what?!”

Friend 1: “I also have a couple of double swords, a regular sword, and a spear.”

Me: “You’re like your own little Waco.”

The Best Thing I Heard This Weekend

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A friend of ours is hoping to be admitted into the Police Academy this spring. Last night she was describing some of the evaluations she will have to undergo.

“I’ll have to go through TASER certification,” (Apparently part of this training involves actually being tasered.)

“Will you have to get sprayed in the face with pepper spray too?” I asked, wincing.

“Yeah, but I’ve actually already done that,” she replied.

?!?!?!

“Well, one year my mom got me mace for Easter,” she began.

(Cosmic shrieking as the fabric of the Universe is ripped to shreds while trying to process that sentence.)

“She went to the police supply store and got two different sizes to put in my Easter basket.”

“Um…WHAT?!” my husband and I exclaimed when we were once again able to speak.

“Well, she wanted to make sure that I had one that I could carry in my purse, and one that I could wear on my arm when I went running.”

(Oh thank you so much for explaining and clearing that up for us. Because THAT was the part of the story that was tripping us up.)

Why My Gym Is Perfect For Me

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My trainer: “OK, next you’re going to do this back machine.”

Me: “OK.”

My trainer: “So you sit here…”

Me: “Yeah”

My trainer: “…and you hold these handles…”

Me: “Uh huh”

My trainer: “…and make sure that your chest is pressed against this piece here.”

Me: “OK”

My trainer: “And if you’re ovulating, like I think I might be right now…”

Me: with a whiplash-inducing head whip in order to convey the very important message of, WTF?!

My trainer: “…then your nipples WILL hurt.”

Me: “Um..OK, thanks. That’s good to know.”

I Just Don’t Get It

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Lately my husband has started playing a new video game, and while normally I enjoy watching him play, this game is really making my head hurt.

See, they trick you. Because they’ll be going along, telling a story that is more or less believable, and then they’ll just throw in some random, goofy-ass twist. Not so much as to completely derail the main storyline, but enough to trick you into thinking that, “I know I can MAKE this make sense if I just think hard enough.” But you can’t, because it’s things like this:

-Europe in WWI, OK, officer of the German army teaming up with an emissary from the Vatican, yeah, have to track down a special tool to exorcise all the demons they will be meeting on their quest, I can live with that, finally obtain the Special Exorcising Tool which turns out to be The Giant Ivory Tusk Of The Holy Mistletoe. “Yes, ha ha, I will slay all evil forces with the universal symbol of ‘gettin’ some’ at Christmas!” Wait-what?! [Read more…] about I Just Don’t Get It

As Chandler Bing Would Say, “Could You Be More Wrong?!”

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If you have read this blog for any length of time, you will probably have formed a pretty accurate picture of the kind of person I am. While I love my life and love being me, I realize that who and how I’ve chosen to be would not necessarily be everyone‘s first choice. I’ll never appear on anyone’s lists for what is New, Hot, Sexy, or Popular. But then again, I will also never appear on any lists detailing all the women who have, for whatever reason, revealed their hoo-ha’s for the entire world to see. So it goes both ways.

I just sort of assumed that everyone saw me in the same way, but apparently that is not always the case if the following story is any indication.

As I mentioned before we had dinner with one of The Gamers last weekend, but before eating we went to her house because she and her mom just got a new kitten and of course, we had to go and play with it. As we were getting ready to leave, her mom (who incidentally has known me for the last seven years, ever since we worked together as booksellers, so it’s not like she’s never met me before) asked where we were going to eat.

“We’re going over to Firehouse Subs,” I told her.

She frowned like she didn’t know what I was talking about, which I thought was odd since she was the one who had first introduced me to Firehouse a few years ago.

“Where?” she asked again.

“You know, Firehouse. Over by the Walmart.”

Her frown increased, and then she tentatively asked, “The biker bar?” [Read more…] about As Chandler Bing Would Say, “Could You Be More Wrong?!”

We’re Not In Kansas Anymore

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For some odd reason, “prison” seems to be a recurring theme lately. Not for me, personally (hi, mom! no prison stays here!), but in the stories that people have been moved to tell me.

Recently I was talking with a friend, who had just visited with one of her friends to compare Thanksgiving family stories.

“I told him that my grandma was really crazy,” she told me, “and then he looked at me and said, ‘Oh yeah-how many times has your grandma been in prison?’ ”

“Uh, what?!” I asked, shaking my head in disbelief.

“Yeah, she has tattoos, too,” my friend replied, pointing to the outside of her eye and drawing the shape of a tear.

“His grandmother has gang banger tattoos?!”

“Yep. His grandmother kills people.”

One-upmanship

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Earlier in the week some friends and I were talking, and we were sharing all of the different things about ourselves that made us feel like the “black sheep” in our families. We each offered various examples of our “black sheep-ness” until one friend piped up with her contribution.

“Unless you’ve been arrested,” she told us, “unless you’ve seen prison, I win.”