Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

It Only Took 16 Years, But I Am Finally Cool

By Leave a Comment

Today I got an email from my friend, Lani, asking if she could “tag” me to participate in a meme that’s making the blog rounds. In an instant all of the trauma I experienced from being The Outcast Of The Class Of 1990 was totally healed, because I was finally being invited to participate in something that the popular kids were doing!

Up until now the only people who’ve thought I’m cool have been my cats, who express their admiration of my coolness by bringing me their tiny, ragged, crusty cat toys and depositing them at my feet. And I’m pretty sure that’s only because they haven’t yet learned how to open the tub of cat food themselves.

Sometimes my tutoring students think I’m cool, but I’ve found that it’s very easy to shatter that image, as I did today with the following conversation. I was trying to ask my husband for the name of a game, and it went like this:”You know, you were playing it back in October, when I came to visit you on that retreat, and I got in trouble for being there, and you had to get the ninja to do all these things in a certain order, so you could get other things to happen?” Of course he knew exactly what I was talking about. But my student just gave me this look like, “I have seen the future, and now I am very afraid.”

So here we go.

1. Four jobs I’ve had. Well, my work history has been pretty lackluster and boring. So instead, I’m going to do, Four Slogans I Considered And Then Rejected For My Tutoring Business.
-“Jenny Ryan: Shitkicker”
-“Jenny Ryan: What did I just say?”
-Jenny Ryan: Don’t make me kick you”
-“Jenny Ryan: Your notebook makes me want to cry”

2a. Four places I’ve lived (physically).
-Woodbridge, VA
-Charlotte, NC and Winston-Salem, NC
-Athens, GA
-Duluth, GA

2b. Four places I’ve lived (existentially).
-state of “big fish in a small pond”
-state of confusion
-state of anxiety
-state of grace

3. Four shows I love
-“Friends”
Rachel: Guess what?
Chandler: The fifth dentist caved and now they’re all recommending Trident?

-“Arrested Development”
Michael: There’s been a lot of lying in this family.
Lucille (his mother): And a lot of love.
Michael: Hm…more lies.

-“House”
Dr. Foreman: He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still for their MRI.
House: Yeah, he probably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.

-“Veronica Mars”
Logan (introducing his sister to his girlfriend): ‘Rode hard’, meet ‘put away wet’.

4. Four Places I’ve Vacationed
-San Fransisco, where I met a man who had legally changed his name to “Sunrise Spiritual Harmony”.
-Nags Head, NC (on the Outer Banks), where I had the following conversation as I was trying to keep up with my husband on the beach:
Me: Wait for me. I have short legs.
My husband: That’s why we call you “Stumpy”.
Me: NOBODY’D better call me “Stumpy”!
-Granada, Spain, where I spoke to everyone I met in fluent Spanish, and they insisted on responding to me in English
-Stuttgart, Germany, where my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and I made the following request at a McDonald’s:
“Small Coke, large ice.”

5. Four sites I visit daily.
–dooce
–Pop Candy
–Watch With Kristin
–People

6. Four foods I love.
-regular Coca-Cola, from a soda fountain if possible
-McDonald’s french fries
-regular Lays potato chips
-sweet cream ice cream with MnM’s from Coldstone Creamery

7. Four places I’d rather be instead of here. Truthfully, I’m exactly where I want to be. So instead I’m doing, Four nicknames I’ve been given.
-Jenny Lee Dee
-the Dinz
-Jennyer, defined as, “a heightened state of being Jenny”
–JR!

8. Four people I’m tagging. Coming very soon. I mean, come on, I just joined the “in” crowd.
–Karen C.
–Linda V.
–Sheila F.

Sometimes I Like To Make Lists: v.3

By Leave a Comment

Today’s list describes “The Funny Scale”, which is the scale I use to test out new posts right before or right after I publish them to my blog. This scale is based on the various, repeated reactions I get from my in-person readers, and is listed in descending order, from most valued response to least valued response.

Flying Spittle

Tears

Snorting

Laughing Out Loud

Laughing Silently With Shaking Shoulders

Breaking Into A Grin

Reading With An “I’m Waiting For The Funny” Expression On Their Face

Super Something

By Leave a Comment

Lately I have been thinking a lot about super powers.

It all started last weekend when I borrowed one of my technologically astute guy friends to help me purchase my husband’s Christmas present. My friend is an avid video gamer, and so as we were walking out of the store, I with my husband’s gift and he with a new stack of games for himself, we got to talking about super heroes.

My Friend: “I should never be given the power of invincibility, because if I were invincible I would go around hurting everyone else just because I could.”
Me: ” Hm, interesting.”
Me: (silently) OK, Universe, are you listening here?
Me: “So, you’d really be more of a super villain than a super hero.”
My Friend: “Exactly.”
Me: “And then you’d need a super hero to come against you.”
My Friend: “But no one could, because I’d be invincible.”
Me: “Ah, but everyone has a weakness. There’s Superman and kryptonite..”.
My Friend:  (interrupting)”Well, I guess you could bore me to death.”

(I still haven’t figured out if he just meant people in general, or if he was talking to me specifically at that moment. So I haven’t yet  decided whether or not I’m offended.)

So then I started to think about myself, and what super powers I could have. I would love to be able to fly, but that one’s probably a ways off yet. So then I started to make a list of everything I could think of about myself that could possibly be considered as some kind of super power. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

1. My hair is absolutely irresistible to cats. Scarily enough this is actually true. But try as I might, I really couldn’t think of any kind of situation where this ability would actually come in handy.

2. Apparently I am able to contain amazing amounts of tension in the muscles of my neck and shoulders. All the medical health professionals I’ve seen for this problem are just stunned when they examine me. I’m like the antithesis of “Elastigirl” from “The Incredibles”. But, once again, I really can’t imagine that the public would have much need for the services of “Really, Really Tense Girl”.

3. When people meet me they are frequently compelled to create a new nickname for me on sight. Now, I think this one could actually be useful. What this says to me is that I apparently have the ability to shape-shift, and to adapt myself to each situation and person that present themselves in my experience. So I could be “Chameleon Girl”, or even better, “The Confounder”. I can see a lot of potential uses for this ability.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and see about a costume. (But no capes!)

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

By Leave a Comment

No, I don’t mean Christmas. I am talking about The Day That Daylight Savings Time Finally Ends.

I passionately love this day, and each year I prepare for its coming with the same fervor and anticipation usually reserved for more far-reaching events, like, say, the coronation of a new king or queen, or the discovery of a miraculous wonder drug.

I’ve not met many other people who share the intense happiness I feel when this day finally arrives. I try to sum it up in the most compelling terms I can for them. “We get an extra hour of sleep!” I exclaim, while choking back tears of joy. But they just don’t get it.

But I don’t let their lack of comprehension ruin my second favorite day of the year. (My favorite day of the year is my birthday, when I am celebrated just for the fact that I exist. And my third favorite day of the year is “Shiny Ring Day”, which is the day when I take my jewelry in to be inspected and cleaned.)

Interestingly enough, the people who don’t quite understand my excitement at The End of Daylight Savings Time are often the same people who take issue with my choice of holidays. When I share my favorite days with them they feel the need to get offended, perhaps on behalf of all the other holidays I didn’t choose, whose feelings I’ve apparently wounded.

“But what about Christmas? Or, your anniversary?”, they splutter, confident that they’ve hit on the two days absolutely guaranteed to make me feel the maximum amount of guilt, and see the error of my ways.

Clearly these people never read my blog, because if they did they would realize that, if my husband is unfazed by my belief that our couch has “magical healing powers”, most likely he is not going to mind that I make up my own holidays.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love all holidays, and I can deck the halls and trim the tree with the best of them. But somehow, none of those other activities bring me the same thrills of satisfaction I receive when, just for a while, the days return to the rhythm and schedule that is most natural to me. And, just like with my other favorite days, just for a while, it really does seem as if the world actually does revolve around me.

True Confessions

By Leave a Comment

Each year as fall rolls around I find myself becoming very quiet and reflective. I think it’s a combination of the beginning of a new school year, as well as the fact that my birthday occurs in the fall. These two events seem to invite reflection on the past year, as well as a sort of mental de-cluttering in preparation for the year to come.

My coach told me something this week that rang very true for me. She said that our 20’s are all about accumulating mental and emotional baggage, and our 30’s are all about going through our bags and deciding what to throw away, and what to keep. I realized as I was “lightening my load”, that I have been spending a great deal of energy trying to pretend that certain things about myself were not true, when this energy really could be better used elsewhere. So in hopes that “the truth really shall set me free”, I offer here the following naked truths about me.

1. I have lived in either Virginia, North Carolina, or Georgia for my whole life and I do not like iced tea.

2. If I order Coke in a restaurant it is not OK if you bring me Pepsi instead.

3. I am 32 years old, and if I don’t want to sleep outside in a tent, then by golly I don’t have to.

4. There is a chance that I might be a crazy cat lady.

5. Despite all the advances in technology, nothing will ever impress or entertain me more than Ms. Pac Man.

6. My husband is a way better cook than I will ever be, and that’s actually a relief.

7. The very first thing I do whenever I get a new book or magazine is to smell it, even if I’m out in public or around other people; I just can’t help it.

8. Pantyhose are evil and you cannot, under any circumstances, make me wear them, so don’t even try.

9. My mother is a math teacher, my father is a CPA, my brother is a chemist, and I cannot do simple arithmetic without using my fingers.

10. Deep down in my soul I don’t actually believe it’s possible for planes to fly.

OK, you can uncover your eyes now; the scary part’s over. And now that the truth is out there, here’s to a great new year.