“What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?”
This has been one of those days where that feels like the most profound thing that anyone has ever said. Is it tomorrow yet?
Happy Birthday!
Unfortunately I was a little too miserable to notice before, what with the sinus pain and pressure, and the White Hot Nail Of Agony piercing my eardrum, and The Doctor Who Did Not Believe Me, but last Monday, June 12th, was the one year birthday of my blog!
I always knew I could produce an almost unending stream of words pretty much on demand, but who knew I could come up with enough actual funny stories to fill up an entire year?
So I just wanted to take a moment to mark this occasion, and to thank all of you who read this blog. Because without you, I would just be jibber jabbering out into nothingness.
Here’s to another great year!
I Really Was Trying To Use My Powers For Good
This weekend I did something really fun. But I wasn’t sure whether or not to write about it, because the context in which the funny stuff happened was a church, and I never want to offend anyone’s religious sensibilities.
But I really like telling funny stories, so I will just say here at the beginning that, as always, the only person I’m making fun of here is myself, due to my Outstanding Inability To Blend In. [Read more…] about I Really Was Trying To Use My Powers For Good
Things That Make You Say, “What?!”: Signs
Those of you who know me and/or who have read my blog for any length of time are extremely familiar with my super-human love of the word “ass” and my deep desire to work it into conversations whenever it is humanly (and humorously) possible.
So as I was driving this weekend I saw what was quite possibly The Most Awesome Sign Ever because it was offering
“Stained
Ass
Classes”.
Dude-sign me up! I am there!
Things That Make You Say, “What?!”: People Who Do NOT Pay Attention
So I had to go to the doctor today thanks to The Gamers, who have apparently been spending this last month taking turns being the host body for this really icky sinus infection.
As if I weren’t feeling badly enough already, what with the illness, and then the having to step onto a scale and get weighed IMMEDIATELY upon exiting the waiting room, the doctor apparently decided to go ahead and diagnose me without all the pesky bother of actually examining me.
“So you’re 4 weeks into it,” she said as she came into the room. “Are you late often?”
What? WHAT?! Whose chart are you looking at, lady?! I know I’m a little out of it, but those are not the answers I gave the nurse when she was taking down my symptoms.
I’m not here because I think I’m pregnant. I’m here because I think I have a sinus infection. Because, as far as I know, being pregnant does NOT cause you to feel like there is a monkey trying to hack its way through your eardrum with a very dull hatchet which has been heated to the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.
Fortunately she did condescend to examine the parts of me that were actually affected, and at the end she actually gave me an actual prescription for actual medications for the actual condition that I actually have. And she did not try to force me into the stirrups so that she could take a little rambling stroll around the inside of my pelvis. (An excellent choice on her part.) I guess the bulging volume of infected fluid pounding against my eardrum convinced her that I was not “faking” the symptoms of a sinus infection in order to mask the fact that I was actually there to receive pre-natal care.
So here I am two prescriptions and two injections later, realizing that there is nothing quite like Someone Who Ignores Your Truth to make you feel invisible and 5 years old again. That, and having to take your pants off in order to get your shots.
The Best Thing I Heard This Weekend…
Poor Me
Because we have no human children, and a lot of free time on the weekends, my husband and I have recently been allowing Tigger to explore the back deck from the safety of a cat harness and an expandable leash.
Being that it is the summertime, and we do live in the South, and we are caring and responsible (or horribly mean and abusive, it all depends on how you look at it) kitty parents, tonight we forced all the cats to endure The Application Of A Flea Control Substance.
That means that now, wherever I turn, I am faced with the highly indignant, self-righteous, and martyred (not to mention EXTREMELY grumpy) stare of animals that have been denied the privilege of having creepy crawly critters hatching in their fur all summer long. Plus the frustration stemming from the fact that I have now messed up the pristine smoothness of their coat, which they just spent the last 87 hours licking into perfection. Mixed in with the calculating stare that tells me that they are trying to decide whether or not I’m worth the effort of reaching out and whacking as I pass them by.
Life’s hard when you’re a cat.
Not Quite As Clever As I Thought
Yesterday I had to sign into one of my many online accounts so that I could order a refill for one of my prescriptions. Unfortunately I had forgotten my password, but luckily there was a link I could click on that would give me a password “hint”.
I expected it to be a question that I had to answer like, “What year did you graduate from college?”, or “What was the name of your first pet?”
But clearly I had forgotten who I am. Because when I clicked on that link, I saw this:
“The hint for your password is…’ham’.”
HAM.
What?!
Clearly “cleverness”+me=not a good idea At All
Beware, O Unsuspecting Passerby
My Brother’s Wedding, Part 2
There were many fun and “bloggable” moments from the wedding this past weekend, and in order to tell you about one of my favorites, I must first give you a little background from my own wedding.
When my husband and I got married 10 years ago, we lit a Unity candle as part of our ceremony. We asked his parents and my parents to light the side candles, to represent our two families coming together. What we said was, “Hey, would you guys light the candles for us to use in the ceremony?”, but what they heard was apparently something more along the lines of, “You must be in charge of FIRE, and if you make one single misstep you will ruin the wedding, and your families will shun you, and the church will burn down, and the city will be set aflame, and people will die!!” [Read more…] about My Brother’s Wedding, Part 2
