Our backyard is a very popular place to be this summer. This keeps the cats entertained for hours.
For Your Viewing Pleasure
Apparently just having one completely functional leg on which I was able to move around was not enough of a challenge for me, so this morning I decided to drop the entire baking dish containing last night’s dinner on the big toe of my “good” leg. And while I enjoy the color purple, I do prefer less painful ways of adding it into my daily life.
So instead of writing about Just How Much That Hurts, or about how the lower body pain is only going to increase, given that yesterday my trainer told me, “We are going to do squats until you tell me that you love squats. And you can’t lie, either. You have to be telling the truth,” something that will clearly never happen unless we are all magically transported into some kind of parallel universe, I decided to devote this post to another of my favorite topics (besides not being in pain): cats. There is some funny stuff involving cats on the Internet.
I dare you not to feel better after you go here.
This site will get your creative juices flowing, though possibly not in the most constructive ways.
And finally, the idea for this site would never have occurred to me in a million years.
So now that you will all be off surfing the net, that will free up lots of time for me to start taking pictures of my wounded toe and emailing them to my husband at work, with helpful, illuminating captions such as, “Dude! Look what color it is now!”
Isn’t It Ironic-Don’t Ya Think?
Today marks the 4 week anniversary of my hiring a personal trainer and-even more importantly-my actually showing up for the appointments.
I finally got tired of being unhappy with my body, and I decided that if I were going to figure out how to fix that on my own I would have done so by now, seeing as how I’ve had the past 33 years to try.
I had very specific requirements in mind for the person who would fill the role of my personal trainer. Specifically, they had to be someone to whom I could say, “I hate you, you evil sadistic bastard!”, and they would say, “That’s fine. You’re still doing squats.”
OK, so I would never actually say that out loud to anyone. But clearly I am speaking volumes with my eyes. Because occasionally as I’m working out my trainer will tell me to start a new exercise, look at my face, laugh, and then say, “I know. You’re welcome.”
So I’ve been doing really well this last month. I’d love to have dramatic photos to post here for you, but while I personally can see differences, they are not yet pronounced enough to produce a stunning visual contrast. But I did reach an important milestone today-I received my first training injury.
And if you know me At All, you will know exactly where this injury occurred. Yes, that’s right: I hurt my ass working out.
“Hm,” you might say. “I didn’t know that there was anything to hurt in your ass.”
You would be wrong.
Listen. Can you hear it? That is the sound of the Universe laughing.
(“Hm, so you like to use the word ‘ass’ as much as possible in your stories, do you? Well OK then-here ya go!”)
I Just Love Being Me
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
As I mentioned before, this past weekend I went to North Carolina to visit my family.
I drove up Friday to my parents’ house, and then the next day we went to visit my brother and his new bride. I think my brother is really cool, for so many different reasons. Not the least of which is the fact that he has two different colored eyes, which he kindly let me take a picture of this weekend to share with all of you. It was only recently that we learned that this is an actual condition called “heterochromia iridium”, and not just my brother being different in his own unique way.
So that doesn’t really have anything to do with the rest of this story, except for the fact that I think it’s really cool, and the fact that going to see my brother and sister-in-law was the reason I was at my parents’ house and able to participate in this story.
After we got back to my parents’ house it was time to watch golf. I don’t have the energy right now to go into all the details of my family’s passionate love affair with golf, but suffice it to say that everyone except me L-O-V-E-S it, and thanks to cable it is now possible for them to watch golf 24 hours a day.
So apparently this weekend a lot of the major players on the PGA tour were in Chicago participating in the Cialis Western Open. And, as usual, my parents were trying to convert me into a golf lover, extolling all the virtues of the game like mental discipline, elegance, beauty, drama, history, tradition, blah, blah, blah. But I was not buying it At All, because I could not get past the fact that the whole entire theme of this particular sporting competition was, “Men Having More Sex Because Their Penises Work Better.” (Apparently I was the only one who found that even a little weird.)
And so I declared to my parents that from now on I was going to refer to this particular event as, “The Penis Open”.
And they had nothing to say after that.
The Best Thing I Heard This Weekend…
…came from my new best TV friend, Mike Rowe, of “Dirty Jobs”.
In this particular episode he was visiting a cave that was home to 40 million bats. Apparently the bats do everything while flying in the air, including giving birth.
And so, as he said, “Anytime a placenta hits you on the head, you’re in a dirty place.”
So true, Mike, so true.
Things That Make You Say, “What?!”: Signs
My New Dirty Pleasure
Recently my husband has gotten me to watch this show on the Discovery Channel called “Dirty Jobs”. And on this show the host, Mike Rowe, travels around the country performing Really. Dirty. Jobs.
Some of them are not too bad (relatively speaking), like scraping gum off of city sidewalks or chipping dried cement off the inside of a cement mixer.
Some of them are awesomely funny, like when he has to try and herd ostriches.
Some of them are so disgusting that I cannot eat for hours afterward. (Although in comparison, having a cat who occasionally goes to the bathroom in my tub isn’t really so bad.)
But the best thing about this show is how it helps me keep everything in perspective, something my dad always encouraged me to do when I was growing up.
So I think I had a bad day, huh? Well, did I have to collect boar semen? Or do anything involving hot tar? No? Well, then I’m probably doing just fine.
Great Imponderable Mysteries of the Universe #3
This is our screened in porch, where the cats spend most of their time.
This is our backyard.
Notice the absence of any large bodies of water.
This is our screened in porch from the outside. See how there’s nothing underneath it?
So having shown you all of this, I know that when I tell you that recently I was unable to make the cats come into the house because they were fascinated with a creature who had come inside our porch to visit with them, you will of course say, “Well clearly that visitor was a frog!” And you would be right! (Apparently all the local lizards were busy that day.)
Because an enclosed porch in the middle of suburban Atlanta with no water in sight is The First Place a person would check when they are looking for a frog.
Not.
(PS-As awesome as it would have been to get a picture of this, I was unable to due to my freaking out at the appearance of wildlife on my screened in porch and my yelling for my husband. And while I could have then snapped a quick shot once my husband was in control of the situation, the poor frog had been covered with so much cat hair that we were afraid it was suffocating, and my husband had to dunk it in the birdbath as quickly as possible in order to revive it.)
How Far The Mighty Have Fallen
I personally do not believe in using bumper stickers to express my most deeply held beliefs and opinions for all the world to see. But that doesn’t have to do with bumper stickers themselves, so much as it does the fact that my personal opinions tend to change at the speed of a teenager with ADD playing “Burnout Revenge” after consuming 5 cans of Code Red Mountain Dew. And so that is why God made blogs. And people with no long-term memory.
[Read more…] about How Far The Mighty Have Fallen
Possession Is 9/10 Of The Law
When it comes to me and my relationship to technology, I would say that I am somewhere in the middle of the pack. I’m definitely not on the level of my husband and his engineering, techie friends, who routinely sit around and discuss how easy it would be for them to wire together every single electronic apparatus in the Universe, which they could then control merely by blinking their eyes and activating the computer chip embedded deep within their brain. Or something like that. I tend to tune out whenever the conversation starts to sound like this:
“…486SQLSAPRAMGB1.oGIG64XP…”
(Or whenever they decide that they simply cannot continue living unless they fire up Google Earth right now.) [Read more…] about Possession Is 9/10 Of The Law
