You’d think that after 5 years I would have gotten the fact that I can’t bend this fibromyalgia thing to my will, but apparently my mind didn’t get that memo. Actually, it probably did get the memo, and then gave it the finger and yelled, “Maybe no one else has been able to wrest control away from this disease but it will be different for me, because never before has it faced willpower of this strength and magnitude, mwah ha ha ha ha!” (And I’m sure you can just imagine how well that‘s going.)
I’ve been pretty sick these past couple of months so I’ve been stuck in Pain Brain, which pretty much takes up ALL THE SPACE! Plus, not surprisingly, there’s not a whole lot of humor around when you are smack dab in the red hot center of suffering. So it’s been really hard for me to write.
But despite all of this, I continually beat myself up about this blog and how I’m not posting much here (because of course the whole point of this blog is to be yet another tool of punishment and self-flagellation. Oy.)
Sometimes I’m able to challenge all the little thought gremlins and stories that have attached themselves like crusty barnacles to the ship of my writing:
-I’m not trying to make money with this blog. It’s not my business, so I’m not losing money or work by not posting on some sort of “regular schedule” (whatever that means).
-No one has ever said to me, “Hey! Where the [bleep] is your next blog post?! You’re not posting enough-I’m leaving!” (And thank you all very much for that.)
-Many people who read my blog are also sick, so they understand about having a limited capacity for doing things and that you’re always having to chose what to spend your reserves on, and what to let go.
-Plus, they probably appreciate not being inundated with blog posts all the time. I know I’ve unsubscribed from people because they sent out so many things that it was impossible to actually read any of them.
-I’m certainly not going to forget how to write.
-Nor am I going to miss stories or run out of material. I have files and notebooks full of ideas, and my experiences are always with me, as a part of me. They’re not going anywhere.
(Hm. I seem to have created a bit of space where I can breathe now, and maybe even make up some stories that feel good. Perhaps I can get my storyteller to work with, rather than against me.)
But I do have something fun to report. This month I’ve been taking a course called Be Your Own Beloved with Vivienne McMaster . which she describes as ” a 28 day photo adventure designed to cultivate self-compassion through the practice of taking self-portraits.”
There is a whole novel’s worth of posts in here about how this is helping to heal my relationship with my body, but those are for another day. However in addition to that I’m also learning how I can tell a story in pictures, which is great for the days when I don’t seem to have any words. So that’s what inspired the 2 previous picture posts, which were taken in response to the prompts of “The Truth Of Today”, and “Rest”.
I’m still feeling pretty crappy today, so I’ll leave you with today’s photo, which was all about being open to signs of love around you. Thank you all so much for being here 🙂
I’m glad to hear from you whenever you are up to it. I’m sorry you’ve been in the middle of the “red hot center of suffering.” Even when you don’t feel well, I like your turn of phrase. As for Pain Brain, you’re right. It leaves little room for anything else. hugs
You’re doing awesome. Whenever a new post hits, I always enjoy seeing where you are in your journey. Keep at it, girl!!
I usually don’t comment, but I love reading your posts. Thank you so much for writing them when you feel up to it.
First off, I enjoy your blog. I’ve been all over the place with posting to my blog, at times I’ve posted only a few times in a month and others almost daily. In the end I realized I couldn’t post for others, or for an agenda, I had to post for me because I felt like it. In order to keep posts from getting all bunched up, if I got in the mood to write more often I would just schedule my posts so they didn’t all appear at once. More recently I’ve found a much more comfortable posting schedule, and have found that I can post 3-4 times a week with pretty good consistancy, only because I have a set routine of what I’m posting on what day. It took me quite a while to come up with that and when I did it was almost by accident. Just write for you and eventually you’ll find what works best for you… no need to judge yourself, we’re certainly not judging you over it.
Thanks so much you guys-I really appreciate it!