6. Projecting your personal “stuff” onto us.
Lordy Day, did I experience this when I made the mistake of telling anyone who was not me or my doctor that I was taking steroids to help control the agonizing, incapacitating arthritis pain that I was experiencing back in the spring.
I thought I was saying, “Yeah, my doctor gave me some Prednisone to help with the pain,” but apparently what everyone heard was, “I’m currently ingesting a special tonic composed of the leftover radioactive material from the Chernobyl disaster, laced with some accompanying drops of the dark black essence at the pit of Satan’s soul.”
Unfortunately, no one would ever just come out and say, “Hey, I’m concerned that you’re on steroids.” Instead I was regaled with many, many stories involving friends, family members, or someone they’d heard about while standing in line to pay for gas who contracted some kind of illness, stupidly took steroids, then found out that “that was the worst thing they possibly could’ve done,” and now they are crippled/maimed/disease-ridden/comatose/an invalid/dead FOREVER.
The implications in all of these stories were, of course, that a)I was an ignorant, reckless, idiot, who just leaped onto the first treatment plan that caught my attention without actually knowing what I was getting into, b)that I was selfish and inconsiderate for doing something that was clearly upsetting the person I was talking to, c)and that if I were a “good” friend/family member/whatever, I would immediately cease said upsetting action, and instead choose a treatment plan that they were comfortable with. You know, because my illness is all about everyone else.
Give me a fucking break.
It’s not like I just woke up one day and said, “Hm, what can I do that will recklessly endanger my health, as well as freak out the maximum number of people possible? I know-I’ll start using steroids!” I took that medication because I needed it. When it’s your turn to experience such excruciating pain that you can neither move your arms, stand, walk, or even get out of bed, then you can treat it however you want to. But I’m the one who had to live through all this stuff, and this was my choice. So BACK OFF!
Nobody but the sick person knows what they are going through, or what they need to survive. Telling horrifying stories to someone who is barely able to function as it is is just mean, especially when you’re doing it to “punish” them for upsetting you with their choices. Either come out and say what is bothering you, OR KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT!
You tell em girl!!!! Yep, again it is this weird thing that people do when someone isn’t well. I had a friend of mine with breast cancer and when she decided to do chemo and radiation…one person told her…and I am not kidding…that she should reconsider this because the treatment is so toxic. Uh….ya…I think this woman also told her to try rubbing rose oil on her breasts instead.
Okay…well, if she ever gets cancer she can try the rose oil….I will support whatever she decides…but, she really freaked my friend out who got even more scared after that.
PEOPLE…THINK before you start spouting this kind of crap to someone who is sick, vulnerable and scared!!!!
JEEZ!!!!
Hmmmmmm…I think I need to blog about this too…I am feeling a bit hot under the collar!!!
Gosh, even I would not be daft enough to comment like this on one’s treatment. And I’m considered to be an insensitive boob of a guy.
oh MAN! the timing here – weird..i just found and listened to the cassette tape(yeah, we’re talking a LONG time ago) from my son’s funeral..beautiful stuff and it caused me to remember some wonderful support I got – but also brought back the memory of some twit (who should have known better – a minister!!!) who had prayed that god either make my son perfect “or take him home” –
oh, hello sir – may i pray for your relative now? (he had a sick mama at the time and i soooo wanted to pray for HER in similar manner and see how he liked it..but instead i RAN..coz otherwise he’d be dead – see, god IS good..grin)
so..all this stuff is running around in my head too..not just what other people have said..but my own dumbass comments..i LOVE that you are brave enough and willing enough to stand up and say this stuff…your middle name has GOT to be Queen Courageous…this is vital stuff..stuff we all need to know..the anger in it too, Jenny – anger in grief and in medical shit – who wants to hear it? we all seem to desire the “i’m on the mend” message..and NOT just because we love the person..but for our own relief..
namaste..i am sooooooooo honoring you woman – and you’re doing this WHILE the medical shit continues..Again, your courage- and beauty and generosity of spirit to share this..i am so grateful and so blessed to know you. I love you, Jenny Ryan!!! I am so glad you are in the world – so incredibly honored to know you!
i feel badly that you were hounded by the insensitive…it seems hard to believe that people can be so….well, big dunder-heads………….i promise not to one of those people if ever i’m in that situation………which i am sure to be!! thanks, jenny. xoxooxxoox
Just so you know, you so did not drive me away although ive been out of the loop! I actually find this all very helpful (and affirming the belief that people can be complete ASSES) Keep it comin’ sunshine!