Wherein, I rant. You have been warned.
When I was growing up I was part of a religious community whose message seemed to be, as far as I could make out, “We must at all times be cognizant of Just How Much We Suck, and how we really don’t actually deserve to be alive at all.” With a special, bonus addendum that stated, “And if you’re a woman, then ppfftt, don’t even bother man, because you are totally beyond salvation.”
That message was kind of a stumbling block to the rest of my life due to the fact that it seemed to pose some eternally irreconcilable problems, such as the fact that a) I’m not supposed to exist but yet, here I am, and b) It’s horrible to be a woman and yet, oops, guess which gender I got stuck with? You might say that this made it a little difficult for me to function in my day-to-day life, just as you might say that Donald Trump has a passing interest in making money.
The thing that was at times my salvation, and at times what made me feel even crazier, was that this story is completely foreign to my own personal experience. Ever since I can remember I’ve felt close to God and connected to the Divine. We’ve kept up a constant stream of giving and receiving communication, and never once have I been told, “Wait-hold up. I can’t talk to you until you can find an available penis to come and translate for me.”
Anyway, all of this is sort of “up” for me right now because this weekend I went to a wedding. I’ve been to a lot of weddings like this before, weddings that presence the following touchstones:
-all the passages in the Bible that mention women as “the weaker vessel”
-all the passages in the Bible that describe how a wife should “submit herself unto her husband as unto the Lord”
-the description of a “virtuous woman” in Proverbs 31, where apparently the pinnacle of womanhood is to be “as a creeping vine in the recesses of your home” (whatever that means)
This wedding added an extra special bonus by including passages that basically said, “And you know, if you really wanted to, for extra credit, you could actually call your husband ‘lord’,” (New Jenny Ryan Living Translation)
And all of this, it just makes me want to say (among other things)-“Dude! What are you all so afraid of? What exactly do you think will happen if you aren’t constantly working to “keep a lid” on all of us females?”
Did you somehow infiltrate a meeting where you discovered our nefarious master plan of taking over the world by ensuring that everyone has enough socks, underwear and clean toilets?
I have, as you might imagine, made my feelings known far and wide upon this particular subject, so much so that when the wedding was over three separate people told me that they were watching me throughout the wedding to gauge my reactions. So much so that I received many compliments along the lines of, “I was so proud of you for your ability to restrain yourself and not stand up in the middle of your pew, bring the wedding to a screeching halt, and announce, ‘Excuse me, but I’ve got a really big problem with this’.”
I will say that I have improved over the years. I no longer stop breathing and turn beet red from suppressed fury, nor do I cut off all the circulation to my husband’s hand by transforming into The Living Tourniquet Of Being Outraged. And I’ll tell you why that is.
I finally realized that if I want to be free to live my life according to what is true and optimal for me, then I must also give that freedom to everyone else, no matter what it is that they choose (damn personal growth, self-awareness, and enlightenment! :P)
So I went to this wedding with my husband, my wonderful partner, a man with whom I share mutual respect and appreciation. I smiled, I congratulated the bride and groom, I supported the family with my presence.
But inside I was standing firm in my own personal experience and reciting my own truths, truths that said, “And God made women. And God saw that women are very, very good.”
you know? My undergrad was religious studies and i will tell you yes. That is EXACTLY what they were afraid of. Women were taking roles of power and it scared the (excuse the pun) hell out of them….Ive been there with you sister, felt my husbands clinch and feelng the non-verbal begging PLEASE dont make a scene! And it was very good….
I don’t think that the idea of a “submissive wife” needs to be a threat to strong women.
I consider myself a strong, proud female and yet I aspire to be that “submissive” wife – I just don’t think I see it as quite the same demeaning picture you do. 🙂
Our vows included bits from The Velveteen Rabbit, Dennis Miller and our own personal writings. But no ‘obey’ stuff. My hubs now laughs and says “I knew I should have pushed to include ‘obey’ in our vows”.
I know what you mean, I have been a Christian most of my life (not a very good one, but still), and I have always struggled with these scriptures and/or A HUMAN’s interpretation of them. Most of it because I know what man can be capable of.
I just try to go with the flow and accept what period in time that was written, and know that my husband and I are “one”. We pray together and make decisions together.
Besides, God saw that man needed US. :O) then created us from the rib… I wonder if that is where the phrase “I have a bone to pick with you” came from? *snort* makes sense to me!
I think that this type of religious dogma was set forth by a bunch of men who wanted to keep women “in their place”…Bare foot and pregnant! What a strange way to start a life with someone…within this sort of belief system. Not very expansive!
Sounds like you were able to stay clear within your own world view and didn’t get any koodies from their world view:)
Good for you. I may have caused a ruckus myself. Ok, maybe not, but honestly, I’ve been to some weddings where I said “huh?” many times.
And for the record, I don’t think “submissive” wives are really all that “submissive.” They are clearly in control and know exactly what is going on.
Yeah, those verses get trotted out at most weddings. They tend to leave off the ones that talk about how men are suppoesed to love their wives like Jesus loved the church (his followers) and Always put them first, and went to the cross for them. The Jesus’s followers were foremost in His mind, and he put them first at every opportunitiy.
Need more men with that mentality about their wives, because if I put my wife first in all things related to our family, she’s blessed, the kids are blessed, and in turn, God blesses me for following his Word.
Expecting wives to submit, without the husband being TOTALLY self-sacrificing with regards to her, is UNbiblical.
End of rant.
Woohoo! Awesome rant John. I must go check out your blog. 😀 Amen brother.
A creeping vine? I’m familiar with Proverbs 31, but will have to re-read that…
Personally, as strong-willed and stubborn as I am, I have never viewed the Bible’s instructions to women as demeaning at all. In fact, the picture painted for us of the “perfect woman” is the one who handled everything, was a business and land owner, had her own money and didn’t rely on her husband for much of anything. He praised her at the gates because she was just AWESOME man! If the man is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, does Christ want to control and dominate us? Or love us unconditionally and inspire devotion? Just a thought…
Appreciate this rant, Jenny. And John, I agree with Mary that your rant in response is awesome!
My experience is that when a husband is loving and kind, a wife will naturally want to please him. It’s just the way things work. Mutual submission ends up being the result.
Having been married more than one time, if I’d ever had a husband put me first “in all things related to our family” (or even in some things related to our family), I would have been multiply blessed, and would have gladly laid down my life for him in every way I could. As it is, I haven’t been in that situation.
Thus, I do everything I can to please my husband because I want to learn to be a more loving person every day. I don’t submit to him though, and don’t regard him as a leader or authority in the home. I do believe that this position has to be earned, which is a view at variance with mainstream fundamentalist Christianity.
I went to my cousin’s wedding a couple of years back. It was a small town in Texas, so I expected to hear plenty of Jesus, which is fine. What I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT EXPECT was for the minister, in the middle of the ceremony, to launch into a sermon about how wonderful it is for this man and woman to be getting together since, as he put it, we live in a world where “marriage is under attack.” He didn’t go so far as to actually talk about gay marriage, but everyone knew what he meant. My wife and I were holding hands to calm each other from what we were hearing, and her nails instantly dug into my skin when he said that. I absolutely could not believe it, and I couldn’t believe that the bride and groom were okay with him bringing politics into their wedding ceremony.
My hubs now laughs and says “I knew I should have pushed to include ‘obey’ in our vows”.
Hee. I always point out to my husband that I never said obey, and I have the videographic evidence to prove it! LOL.
and didn’t get any koodies from their world view:)
Cooties…hee.
you know? My undergrad was religious studies and i will tell you yes. That is EXACTLY what they were afraid of. Women were taking roles of power and it scared the (excuse the pun) hell out of them
I think that this type of religious dogma was set forth by a bunch of men who wanted to keep women “in their place”
That is what it felt like-“Oh man, we’d better squish this feminine stuff WAY DOWN DEEP before it gets out of (our) control!”
I just try to go with the flow and accept what period in time that was written, and know that my husband and I are “one”.
My experience is that when a husband is loving and kind, a wife will naturally want to please him. It’s just the way things work. Mutual submission ends up being the result.
Need more men with that mentality about their wives, because if I put my wife first in all things related to our family, she’s blessed, the kids are blessed, and in turn, God blesses me for following his Word.
I appreciate everyone’s comments and insights here.